The past few weeks I've been in the thickest of thick, or at least that's the ugly victim story that surfaced in the face of all the extra mothering/life challenges I encountered.
The web of lies started to weave, like this…
I got sick. I never get sick, even with everyone sneezing directly in my mouth or a whole house upstairs/downstairs situation; I'm usually just passing out the tissues and homeopathy or holding the puke bucket and encouraging extra fluids. But apparently it was my turn– my immune system, which is oh so entangled with my nervous system, and let's not forget any spiritual revelations I am meant to tackle– said “tag you're it!” And it wasn't the worst sickness I have ever endured but it took energy and it lingered, why did it have to, why did it have to linger?
Cue– self induced pity party.
And then in my depleted state it was time to take another trip on the merry-go-round of frustration that is my middle child's resistance to toileting, turned into stomach pains due to his withholding, turned into a majorly backed up situation. Which required all of me, all of my: patience, understanding, compassion, and honestly sanity (which I might lose if he doesn't poop on the potty soon, just sayin’.)
Then just to really test the boundaries I have been working on cultivating for years, a crisis within my family of origin cropped up. An all-hands-on-deck, many moving parts and many lengthy phone calls; kind of ordeal that awakens the middle child peace-keeper patterning in me. But I'll spare you any further details on that situation.
I think you get the picture, it was kind of a lot. The problem though was actually that in my desperation, in my depletion, in the frustration of wanting so badly to say or do something that would just make it all better. I was triggered. BIG TIME.
But like sneaky triggered.
I was tired, not feeling great, overwhelmed yes; but my mind hijacked the whole thing and made the mole hill a mountain. For a few days– I let old programs, and old wounds– completely take over.
For a few days any time anyone wasn’t listening (and let’s face it toddlers not only selectively hear but also actively and joyously resist,) I could feel my blood start to boil. In lieu of becoming an erupting volcano (which always results in a shame spiral,) I excused myself from the room to crumble to the floor in a heap of my own boogers, sobbing wildly. Although I definitely could have raged against the machine, although I felt angry and frustrated, behind it all lies lifetimes of grief. Beneath the surface level anger are the deeper more troubling portals of pain; but alas even though I have done my share of deep dives, I don't always realize I have spiraled down into the abyss till I'm there.
At first, I thought my ugly cry sessions on the bathroom floor were purely situational. It felt healthy to cry my frustrations out and beg for mercy from the unrelenting feeling of wanting desperately to have a solution for the no-shit-storm of conflicting needs, but somewhere along the way I realized I must be going through another round of deeper release. Another shedding of skins, it is after all the lunar year of the snake and this was also the time of my bleed and the new moon. So of course there had to be a larger invitation at play. At least that's what I have come to believe and accept on my healing journey. My therapist, who is a little more spiritually oriented than most, agrees.
I have been unpacking my own shit with her (pun intended) for the past two years, and while I am well versed in my patterns, limiting beliefs and reactive tendencies– while we have explored how I utilized achievements to be seen my whole life– we hadn't yet, I hadn't yet acknowledged the full extent and truth of my own need to be heard and what happens when the story “no one cares what I have to say shows up.” I haven’t fully worked through how my efforts to take personal ownership of my emotions meets the story “everything is my fault” and becomes a double-edged sword.
While I am in recovery from perfectionism, I don't always catch that I sometimes still hold myself to super-human expectations when it comes to my emotional state and mothering. I don’t always notice when ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) have found their legs to creep in me head. Sometimes little me and all her protectors show up on the scene and take over before my forty year-old self can process what's happening. What I must navigate still is what happens when I come out of alignment with the values, behaviors and ways of being that I wish to embody and model– what is still very much a wound I am mending is being overly hard on myself to the point of falling into punishment and even self-hatred. What I end up feeling most ashamed of is falling into such a darkness within myself that I project resentment and unrealistic expectations outward. It baffles me time after time because I do have reverence and gratitude for my beautiful life and family, I do see what a privilege this life is AND at times the old pain still wins.
As I remerge from the underworld of my mind, what I remember once again, what I strive to stay present to, is the fact that we have basic human needs. The need to be seen, to be heard, to feel capable and understood, to belong– to be loved. A lot of our wounding centers around these needs being unmet, by others, but really by ourselves. A lot of what is triggered in me around these needs, is not of this time, and though I wish I was always in the place of presence, perspective and patience to witness wounding that surfaces and resurfaces, sometimes I am just so God damn in it. Sometimes I'm so “Motherwhelmed,” that my humanness gets the better of me and I show up less of the mother/human I aspire to be.
AND.
My greatest work is accepting, I will forget and remember, over and over, and that forgetting; after my much wider window of tolerance has been met– does not make me less of a mother or a human. It does not mean I am not or have not expanded my awareness and capacity for joy or love. Most of the time it means– I am more tired, more mentally taxed, more emotionally spent– and I need space to process and move the stuck energies through. What I must reconcile is that even with my daily energy and self care practices, breakdowns will still happen, in fact they are the very invitation for my next round of breakthroughs.
When I get to this place within myself – I usually end up in the safest, most loving, forgiving, and energy balancing place I know– the woods. I wander alone, soaking in the beauty, taking slow invigorating breaths as I ponder the lessons I am receiving. On one particular walk, after an exceptionally hard day during the aforementioned struggle bus weeks, I ventured into the forest at twilight. I was contemplating the trigger of not being seen, or so I thought. Just then, a large owl swooped beside me, in completely silent flight, vanishing into the trees in front of me before I could fully capture its grandeur.
I have had an ongoing conversation with this elusive wise creature; it's always swooping across my path, hooting outside my window, but it rarely allows me to fully see it. Just glimpses of its magic right in moments of profound need, so what did I do? I tried to circle around it, as if its incredible sense of hearing and stealth movement was no match for my desire and determination to come face to face with its medicine. Talk about being out matched, hah. However, although I did not encounter the owl again, as I had hoped, I did receive its message.
What I remembered post owl stalking, was that being seen became one of my trauma responses, seeking attention via my achievements and athletic performance wasn’t me meeting my need to be seen, it was me trying desperately to meet my needs for belonging and love. That patterning has not and will never meet my needs in my adult reality, that will always be a need that I rationally should never expect my children or anyone else to meet.
The real goal, I believe, is to see ourselves fully, authentically, and unconditionally.
This is what the owl wanted me to fully acknowledge.
The silent movements of the owl allowed me to witness the real issue, my desire to be heard, which is also not fitting for four year olds, heck most forty year olds can’t always hear. But, again, it was an invitation to listen more closely and carefully to my soul, to hear my own spirits calls, to hone and refine my communication skills, and compassionately say what my heart needs me to say.
The owl reminded me that my dark is what has allowed me to see my light, these trips inward have allowed me to fly higher with the perspective of the unseen realms I have visited. The owl's consistent presence in my life continues to remind me that much of my gifts, talents, and magic unfolds under a cloak of invisibility. I do not need to be seen the way that I yearned to be my whole life, but I do wish to be heard. I do intend to take what I have retrieved from beyond the veil and tell the stories, share the art, and offer the potential for healing straight from my heart.
So, if you stayed with this story this far, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening to the tale of this human's needs and may you find the capacity to sit with yourself long enough, through the harder times, to witness your wounds in a way that you retrieve your own gifts and medicine. May you identify your unmet needs and triggers and show up for yourself to honor whatever you discover with grace, compassion, reverence, forgiveness and acceptance.
And now, I’ll leave you as I usually do, with a: poem, practice, and prompts.
Until next time,
I see you, I hear you, I feel you, I love you.
With gratitude,
Rose
Poem– Invisibility Cloak
Invisibility is my greatest ability, In my cloak I find agility, I move with ease and strength, I possess the endurance to go any length. Beyond what is seen, in the fog of my dreams, In the realms out of sight, In the stillness of night; I have heard this decree, for human harmony. Survival is far different than full body arrival, We came here for thrival. We came to embody our whole self, we came here to pursue happiness and health, as our greatest acquisition of wealth. To achieve this goal. We must sit with this question, with wonder, as we ponder… What does health mean, when to be well goes mostly unseen? We must be with the parts, that no one else can see, this is the plea of all knowing, mystery. Each layer of body, a different sheath of energy. All bodies must flow in synergy, to tap the full potential of our wellness destiny. We must learn to feel, what can only be felt. We must learn to express, what we have repressed. The– Physical, Energetic, Mind, Wise intellect, Bliss body– levels of being, known as the Koshas. Body types– Vata, Pitta, Kapha– known as the Doshas. These invisible cloaks, of unified field are meant to yield, wholeness and truth. I have the proof. I found it, When I stopped looking, outside myself. Stopped trying desperately, to be seen, heard and known. I found evidence at shadows altar, there I knelt, taking a bow, making it my vow, to honor every dark night. For the rebirth of all light, occurs in the blackness of space. The birth of every star takes place, in the vastness of the unknown. This is the secret my cloak has shown. There need be no witness, there is no test of litmus, for what the divine provides, when we lean into what's inside. When we know self inside and out, when we clear and cleanse our doubts, we will receive the invitation, to step out from behind the curtain. When our heart is so certain, when we are no longer blind to the hurt, we uncover the love and liveliness, We know we deserve.
Practice- Restoring Your Koshas
The Koshas come from the ancient spiritual science of Vedanta, they can be thought of as the sheaths or the layers of a human being.
There are five Koshas:
Annamaykosha (Physical Body)- which relates to all of the physical systems of the body and the five elements (earth, water, fire, air, and space.)
Pranamaykosha (Enery Body)- which relates to the subtle energy systems of the body, such as the Chakras (energy centers) and the Prana Vayus (energy currents.)
Manomaykosha (Psycho-emotional/mental Body)- which relates to the mental and emotional aspects of being human, the nervous system, personality, survival and reproduction.
Vijnyanamaykosha (Wisdom Body)- which relates to our intuition, or having deeper insight allowing one to detect and discern our inner patterns and programs. This body is that of the witness or awareness, utilized for transformation.
Anandamayakosha (Bliss Body)- which relates to the true self which is one of contentment, bliss, peace, and inner truth. This body is often accessed temporarily, through the process of deep awareness and surrender, this is the feeling of being whole.
For this practice you might want props such as bolsters, blankets and an eye pillow; if those are unavailable to you, grab blankets, pillows and a small towel or cloth to cover the eyes. If you feel called choosing a crystal or two hold or place on your body can be quite powerful. I recommend instrumental or frequency based music. I will guide you into a restorative posture and through each layer of being, each kosha.
Prompts:
What are your unmet needs around being seen, heard, felt, belonging, loved?
What makes you feel most triggered? Which human need is this connected to? What is the layer behind that layer?
In what ways did you attempt to meet these needs growing up?
In what ways do you project old wounds when your needs are not being met?
What is the story that loops in your head when you are overly stressed?
How do you care for yourself when overwhelmed, what/who are you supports you can call on?
What brings you the most contentment? How can you do more of that?